I don't know what I want. I dont' know what I need. I have given forgiveness where forgiveness is not due. I have been hurt and used and I think everything just sucks. Five more pounds down another 30 to go. I put on my old jeans today and they slid right off onto the floor. It felt great. I actually had someone not recignize me today because I had lost so much wieght. it feels great.
I let him back in my life and gave him my forgiveness and gave him a second chance even though he doesn't deserve one and hurt me bad but I did screw around on him. I told him if he fucks up or I think he is a sucky boyfriend he will know it and I am not going to put up with his shit. He has actually been decent. It is weird for me for my phone to ring and it be him.. Yay effort. I really don't care. I really don't put faith in people. I guess I am just waiting for people to fail me. Fuck em. I have got like maybe 10 people in this world who matter. The rest suck You know what. I don't care. I feel like I should just be evil. I should do whatever I want.
I want to breathe.

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I went shopping this weekend while in tueplo. I was trying on jeans and i grabbed a pair of 14s. THEY FIT BITCHES!!! yes they were snug and there was muffin topage but hell the wrapped around me and buttoned and zipped. So yeah right now i am typing this while wearing a size 14 I was wearing a size 20.
Well as fate has come to play Laura (the boyfriends friend) left her email open and read a conversation she had with me open detaling me cheating on him. So i sign onto gmail and this is what i find.
Jeremy: i hate to burst your bubble, but i never cheated on you, laura and adam never said a word to me, you were wrong about bethany, i wish you had said something to me, you didn't have to cheat on me, you sure as hell could have told me that there was a good chance that i wasn't the one that got you pregnant, again, adam and laura said nothing, laura accidentally left her gmail up and i read the conversation between you two, i didn't realize what was going on there for a minute, but please don't come around anymore

HAHAHAHA like i actually care. I had been cheating on him for a month spending weekends with the new guy. Hell i do feel bad he was a shitty boyfriend and what not. Like super shitty and i know that he cheated on me the evidence was to great. I just couldn't bear (OK i am actually just really non-confrontational) breaking up with him because he deserved more than an email after all we had been though and i really hate people yelling at me.
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and slightly thinner!!

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I thought i had gotten off easy. I thought assholw boyfriend had left me (via myspace lol) but apparently it was an accident. Ireally wish it wasn't. Why don't I have a spine.

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I am seeing to guys one is my boyfirend the other is just this guy i really like but neither make me happy. Both have severe flaws. As much as i love the boyfirend he is not really there and i understand why but it sitll hurts. I really like the other guy he is so great but he still loves his ex and i know that and of course it makes me feel bad. I am just sad and not happy. As much as i want to be.

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They suck.... My boyfriend sucks... Semi-boyfriend is awesome but still loves his ex. Boyfriend really really sucks... Lyndee we should go see him. It would be highlarious.

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Through out my life I have never been able to change. Maybe I am lazy ( i know i am) and maybe I never cared too but for the first time I am actually changing. I am actually losing weight I have never lost more then 5 pounds at one time and I woudl usually gain it back. I havelost 20 pounds and I feel great. I actually feel pretty. It is weird to me how losing just a little bit of weight makes me feel. I feel acomplished and proud I want to scream it from the rooftops. " I LOST 20 POUNDS AND I KEEP LOSING WEIGHT BITCHES!!!! So now I am 204 I was 225. I am proud.

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